You’ve been waiting for me

In my first post, I spoke about living with a Personality Disorder, and how I’m now living a happier life. I ended promising to carry on where I’d left. So, what’s so different now? I personally believe it was a number of factors. Looking back over the last 2 years, it actually looks like life gave me chances and I made some difficult, but great decisions. But why then? Why not years ago? The only sensible (to me) answer to those questions is, I just wasn’t ready years ago. The most puzzling question might be, what was I not ready for?

Happiness could be one thing. I wasn’t in a place where I believed I deserved to feel, or at times be happy. Because I didn’t allow happiness in, I spent so long in a place that had become my ‘norm’. My norm started out with a lot of unhappiness, anger, guilt, shame, fear etc. being locked away inside me. I told nobody of it, until something pushed me over the edge. When that happened, I suddenly had all these people (professionals) wanting to listen to me. People actually cared about how I was feeling; and it felt very strange and alien to me. I wanted them to listen to me, but I didn’t know how to talk. I wanted to bring down my barriers, but they were far too big and strong. However, every time I spoke to a professional who listened and cared, the tiniest amounts of rubble from the tops of the walls around me fell down. Each interaction becoming stronger than the next, and over the years between them, the professionals brought my barriers down.

I am aware at this point that I’m only talking about professionals, and not friends and family. I am in no way saying my friends and family didn’t help me through the last few years. They’ve had a massive impact on my recovery, just as massive as the work professionals did, but in a completely different way, and one I’ll talk about in another post (I promise).

There is a reason I’m only mentioning professionals and I wanted to write a bit about this too. However, my eyes are very tired now so I can’t write much more.

Borderline PD is a lot about attachment issues; issues relating to childhood attachments. I’m not going to get all scientific on you, but I realised only a few months ago that I did in fact have attachment issues; after spending years denying I had any problem. I genuinely believed I didn’t have any attachment issues, but one day in a 1-2-1 with my cpn, I said something and it instantly clicked. By ‘attachment issues’ I don’t mean I was so attached to them I was stalking them, having imaginary relationships with them (that’s very extreme). I was more emotionally attached. If I felt they genuinely cared about me, I would hold them in high regard. They couldn’t really do any wrong. And any time I majorly disagreed with them and (at my worst times) accused them of wrong doings, verbally insulted them, it was usually because they had touched a nerve. I was so not used to people touching any nerves, so when they did, it felt highly intense and impossible to control.

Ok, this now leads on to blog post 3. Yet to be written 🙂

Good night everyone x

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