Borderline PD; my thoughts about my recovery

Well it’s been 2 days since I was discharged from Mental Health Services, back to the care of my GP. If you’d told me 12 months ago, that I would feel this good; liberated, free & happy, I’d never have believed you. And to be honest, nobody else would have believed you. I’d been discharged from a psychiatric unit, just 3 weeks ago this time last year. The thought of discharge just sent me into an anxious, terrified mess. I was refusing to even discuss my discharge with my practitioner. There was no way they could possibly dream of discharging me; I just wasn’t ready to face life without having them propping me up. 

I found it difficult to show my fear of discharge a lot of the time. It was only months ago that I spoke honestly about it with my practitioner. I talked about my biggest fears. I explained my chain of thought. And as I did, I suddenly understood where I’d been going wrong. 

My fear…

my fear of discharge was because I didn’t feel like I could go on with life without  the 24/7 safety net. I relied on weekly appointments or contact to get by; using them to discuss problems or things I’d been thinking and feeling in the week. And what I discussed there was not really discussed anywhere else. By that, I mean down to the smallest of conflicts. Every time somebody annoyed me, pissed me off, offended me, hurt or upset me, I’d shove those feelings down and pretend I was fine. When I stopped doing that, and started being true to myself and others, things changed. I no longer feel I need a 24/7 support net; I am now able to just be honest with people. I no longer have all those horrible feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness and guilt trapped inside of me. I acknowledge each feeling as it comes along, and as much as there are times that it literally feels impossible to get through, don’t even think a second ahead of yourself. Focus on now. Sometimes it’s like being hit by a storm out in the middle of nowhere, or it feels like you’re trapped and the walls are moving closer. That’s your imagination and it is nothing to fear. Remind yourself, when you feel you are about to explode, that the chances are verrrrry high that this will not happen. Acknowledge the physical sensations and congratulate yourself for having such a creative imagination! 

To sum it up; If you feel a certain way towards somebody else and it causes you distress then you should talk to the person involved and tell them how you feel. They can also explain their perspective and hopefully a resolution can be made. 

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