Most of you know that I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder; according to the psychiatrist who treated me for at least 5 years, it is now in remission. She explained that we are never ‘cured’ of the diagnosis as such. It could be that it never rears it’s head again, or it’s possible that issues may arise during stressful times. And that makes perfect sense to me now. At first, I wasn’t fully sure; would it come back? How would I cope? Would it last years again?
I guess experience has given me an insight and I can now start to answer those questions for myself. So here we go.
Would it come back?
I don’t think that for me, it ever “went away” and therefore it was not about whether it comes back. It doesn’t just go to sleep for a few years and then randomly wake up to cause chaos a few years down the line. I don’t feel any different when the diagnosis is ‘in remission’ to when it wasn’t. Life for all of us is literally ups and downs somewhere along the way. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows; they just don’t peak/trough as much as they did. That doesn’t mean though, and this is the important point; that my peaks/troughs will always feel all that manageable. And I think that was what I was expecting. I thought I’d not have melt downs, I wouldn’t feel down or high. I thought I would always know how, and feel able to approach anything and everything. So really I set myself up for a big fall. Had a few too many high expectations and unrealistic expectations of myself Which leads me to the next question (I’m flowing here);
How would I cope?
Well now I know; I cope with 1 thing at a time. It’s important for me to remember not to overwhelm myself with too much. I overload myself and then I shut down to everything. I cope by talking to somebody about how I feel as I am feeling it. I try to stay very open, I try to assert myself and my own needs more and try not to live in fear of what other people think of me. I do whatever feels ‘right’ for me; tolerate the horrid feelings of despair that sometimes grip me, distract myself, try to have fun or talk/write etc. Point is, I have more tools in my toolbox to tackle high/low moods. So they don’t seem to swing back and forth as extreme as they used to.
Would it last years again?
“It” will always be there; of that I am certain. Because “it” is not a mental illness. “It” is me. “It” is my past, my present and my future. “It” is my thoughts, feelings, actions & reactions. “It” is my choices in life. “It” is me, living my life. And it is exactly “It” that I need to learn to accept and learn to live with.
Now then, does “it” make sense? ❤