I am not losing my mind. CFS and the effects of Adrenaline.

The past couple of weeks have been so difficult. I have been unwell, on and off, but mostly on.

We all know feeling physically unwell reduces our threshold for any other stuff. It is draining. But then add on some anxiety; caused by not knowing what the hell is going on in your body, and let me tell you, it is exhausting.

I knew I had been overdoing it, and the payback was starting. Payback is a result of overdoing it with Chronic Fatigue Symdrome (cfs). Payback are the symptoms you experience when your body is too tired.

Because I have had other symptoms similar to some bugs going round, I presumed that was why I felt so rotten. Maybe I was experiencing payback and a bug. And then yesterday, I had an appointment with my Occupational Therapist at the CFS clinic at Broadgreen. They’re a specialist team that treat CFS across the North West.

When I explained how I’d been feeling and what I’d been experiencing, she explained it for me.

In CFS, I don’t wake up with a full bar of energy like those without it. And what little I do have in my bar of energy is used quicker than in somebody without cfs. So I have to pace myself and not do too much.

Now, “too much” used to be blitzing the whole house in one go. But as the CFS takes hold of me, “too much” is simply doing all the dishes in one go without resting. And that is a huge adjustment for me as it would be for anyone. So it takes time to learn what my body can or can’t do, and I’m not there yet.

My symptoms over the last few weeks have been getting worse. Insomnia is the first sign that things aren’t right. Ironically, lack of sleep is common in CFS. Other symptoms such as anxiety, vomiting, headaches, sensitivity to the dimmest of lights, extremely poor memory and concentration and feeling physically weak have all been plaguing me lately. Only the other night when I didn’t sleep at all, I unexpectedly vomited all over my bed at 4am in the morning. My head hurt so much that having it resting on the pillow or my hand felt like I was banging it against a rock. It was dark outside and in, but the slight bit of light showing through the curtains from the streetlight outside was piercing my eyes. I had to cover my eyes so it was pitch black. My mind felt foggy, I couldn’t think properly. I honestly felt dreadful and didn’t know why. I did put it down to exhaustion, but I didn’t understand how those symptoms happened. Until my occupational therapist explained.

When my energy bar gets empty, my body releases adrenaline to keep me going. The secondary symptoms I have just explained are symptoms from the effects of the adrenaline.

Adrenaline is released when we are in a fight or flight situation. So imagine someone jumps out at you, how that fear kicks in quickly. How it feels when the adrenaline is released – faster heart rate, breathing quicker, anxiety etc. This is how I feel but on a longer term basis, like probably 90% of the time. If someone jumped out at you, once you realise you are ok, your body stops producing adrenaline. Mine just keeps giving and giving to keep my body energised. And as a result of that, I am feeling sick, vomiting, not sleeping, feeling anxious, restless, unable to sleep, unable to think clearly. All of what I am experiencing has been symptoms of CFS. Which means I am actually not going mad or losing my mind (it is so scary to think you are losing your mind and knowledge).

So I can improve, but it takes time and change. I still can’t tell when I am overdoing it. And because of that, I cant stop myself before it’s too late. I have to learn what is too much and how much rest I need in between. And it doesn’t happen quickly; it’s a long term project. But the main thing is, I know why I feel so shit, and that helps.

I hope it helps others to understand CFS a bit better💖💖

Death, again. And what it represents to me!

Once again the Grim Reaper came to remind us that life is a privilege; not a guarantee.

As I already know, death and loss is always very triggering for me. It triggered my mental breakdown and it’s always thrown up difficult, overwhelming and complicated feelings.

This time was no different in that sense. But it was in a very different sense.

I shouldn’t find it surprising really, when someone I know (whether I love them or loathe them) dies. I should know by now, to expect some kind of unknown reaction to death. And it is nothing about who that person is, it is what that person represented, to me personally.

Somebody I knew passed rather suddenly recently. And at first there was shock. Then there was a sense of sadness. Then there was a little bit of anger. And I couldn’t shift this really nagging, uncomfortable reaction. I hadn’t seen or spoken to this person in years. We generally “got on” with one another and then a big rift developed and we never spoke again. So why all of a sudden am I so angry that this person died?

I am not angry with them. I am angry at what they represented to me. Took me a little longer than normal to work this one out. But, I will try to keep it simple.

The person who died, represented a sense of injustice in me. I had been betrayed by them, and their death meant that their secrets and lies had gone to the grave with them. And one thing I hate with a passion is lies and those who tell them.

Of course, lies are the very foundations of any abusers ground work. The people who abused me in my lifetime lied every minute of every day. To themselves and the world. It makes sense that I hate liars so much. People lie to cover their own tracks. Even if it means shitting on everyone else around them. So it should also make sense that when someone who lied to me dies, it could tap into my own feelings. In fact I know that’s what happened. But it took a little longer for me to work it out. Because…

The way this person betrayed me wasn’t massive. Yes they lied to me, but it wasn’t personal to me. And if it wasn’t personal to me, why oh why would it be playing so much on my mind. Why is this person suddenly here, throwing things up in the air when I barely knew them?

It was never about them. It was about me. It didn’t matter who the person was; it was about what they represented in my mind. They represented a liar; when they died, so did their lies. And if the lies are dead, nobody will ever know any different. And that, is injustice. THAT is what they represented. My sense of injustice.

So how the hell do I deal with that?

Kinda hoping for a light bulb moment. Have had one while writing this, but still lots to figure out so I shall no doubt be back for more 💜

Avoidance leads to the very feelings that you set out to avoid in the first place!

Now that I can see where my attachment issues stem from, I can see more clearly how they affected my life.

Ironically, being discharged from mental health services really helped (despite my fears). I learned to stand on my own two feet and take back responsibility for my life and future.

A lot of my fears around losing people I love/care about, was that they may die before I do. I was so scared of that. And it terrified me so much there were times I harmed myself or tried to take my own life so that I wouldn’t have to experience that kind of pain.

Of course, it’s natural for people to worry about losing loved ones. It’s something we would all dread, and it’s something I can still worry about. It’s when I allow my imagination to run away and create traumatic scenarios of losing loved ones that I become overwhelmed. I simply cannot allow that to happen any more. And I asked myself earlier, what changed to enable a more accepting attitude?

I guess the first thing I had to do was face up to the reality that everyone will die at some point. It’s the one certainty in life. It’s the one thing we have little control over. Accepting that is a huge but do-able hurdle. In accepting the inevitability of death; I also accepted that the same is true for friendships/relationships. They will all end at some point or another. Be it that you fall out, you gradually lose touch, the relationship naturally dies out or one of you dies. And the fact is, it is something we have/will likely face in our lives.

I had to learn to recognise when my wild imagination was running away with ideas, images and thoughts of loss/grief. Once I could recognise that was happening, I was able to reassure myself by reminding myself that

  • My imagination was creating those ideas/images. What I saw in my mind was not factual. It was an interpretation I’d conjured in my mind through anxiety.
  • I couldn’t foresee the future or know if/when/how my relationships would end. Therefore, it was more difficult for me to entertain those fears
  • In this moment, all is well.

This reassurance helped me a lot. I came to realise I was worrying about things/situations that hadn’t even happened and were not guaranteed to happen.

Truth is, none of us know what the future holds. So how can we worry about something that’s not real? It just causes us to avoid relationships with others. And avoiding contact, relationships and intimacy with others will cause nothing but loneliness and misery.

Don’t make yourself lonely and unhappy just so you can avoid becoming lonely and unhappy. It’s a no-win situation.

Get out there. Make friends; build on new and existing relationships. Build on your self-esteem and worth. And start enjoying life.

If I can do it then anyone can💜

Light bulb moments

I haven’t written a (public) post in a while. Not much has inspired me and I have had writers block. Until now.

Earlier, somebody said something and it was one of those moments when BAM!!!! It hits you. Something so blindingly obvious that I have only just realised.

Back when I was studying my nursing degree, I witnessed some awful things and I experienced a lot of trauma for someone just 19 years of age. I often wonder what was it about me that made me break down when my friends and fellow students managed to stay ‘sane’. It’s difficult to compare myself to others because I see others in so much more high regard than I do myself. Although I know part of it was to do with the fact that I am extremely sensitive to others’ feelings, I also know the main reason was because I had some very deep, underlying emotional issues. The nursing course didn’t “cause” my mental breakdown. It simply triggered those unresolved issues.

When I was very young, my dad cut off contact with me and my sister. I always thought it had affected my sister more than me, and put that down to her being older than me and being able to remember more about what happened. I could never see that that was where my abandonment issues lay. It’s obvious right?

No.

I was too young to remember my dad or the split and his abandonment. I can’t say I have ever felt angry towards him. I always thought “it didn’t affect me cos I was too young”. Only now can I see that it DID affect me. And certain experiences throughout my childhood reinforced my abandonment issues that I didn’t even know existed.

I always remember when I was little, I had this huge fear of admitting how I felt. My mum knew at times that I wasn’t ok, and I even remember her asking me and trying to encourage me to talk to her. There was nothing she could have said or done to make me open up about my feelings. I would always have an excuse as to why I was ever upset etc. I have worked on this in therapy at different points, and I have always maintained I didn’t have abandonment issues. When I was in mental health services I would argue with the “professionals” ’til I was blue in the face and they would listen but still come to the conclusion that I did indeed have abandonment issues.

But nobody ever explained it to me. Nobody ever pointed it out to me. And I believed it was a fear of my mum dying (which in my mind classes as abandonment) that was exxacerbating my mental health problems. I wouldn’t be able to cope if my mum died and it sent me into the most darkest places at times. I’d linked the trauma I’d experienced whilst nursing, to the fear of losing my mum. Death and grief triggered my breakdown, therefore it was all about death and grief. When actually, it wasn’t. It was about abandonment. Of course part of me will always want to protect my loved ones from my own pain (within reason), but that was never what it was about. The fear of speaking openly to my mum when I was little was there because I was so scared of her being upset… but it was more about me. It was my way of protecting myself from being abandoned by my mum; my only stable and constant caregiver. I was already insecure thanks to my dad disappearing off the scene and other events in my childhood. I couldn’t risk doing anything that would drive my mum away. Obviously with hindsight I know my mum would never have abandoned me if I’d opened up to her. But the little child-kerri didn’t know that. The little me must have internalised all that happened and encouraged me to believe that I was the problem. Why else would a father walk away from his daughters? Why else would people you trust and rely on as a child purposely hurt and abuse you? I was the common denominator. It had to be me. So I became someone else. Someone who wasn’t me!

My dad left. I was abused by different males. I was threatened by abusers that I would lose my mum and sister if I ever told anyone what was happening. Of course, it makes sense, that I had a huge fear of abandonment. Clamming up was my defense mechanism to avoid further abandonment.

Why have I never seen this before?

Or, genuine question, have I seen this before and forgotten? My memory really is that bad 🤣

Ps. Mum… I love you. Thankfully I can now be open and honest with you after lots of practice over the years. You and my beautiful sister have always been there for me, and thanks to you 2 and many others I am here to tell my tale, share my insights and offer hope to others.

When you tell yourself you are protecting others from your pain ask yourself this; what are you protecting yourself from.

The theory of evolution explains that we all have an innate drive to survive, and that everything we do is to survive. So how is your behaviour helping you to survive? Even unhealthy behaviours like takng drugs to numb your emotional pain; helps you survive because you believe you cannot survive the emotions/feelings you have inside.

My last point is this… your feelings and emotions cannot hurt you. Yes they are horrible and feel unbearable, but they DO pass and you can survive them. Have hope.

💜💜💜

Realisations from the past that will always be relevant to me and maybe others…

Last night, I was looking for an email from a few years ago, and I came across the following. Before you read it, let me explain…

Sometimes when I am relaxing at night, just before I go to sleep, I’ll have these random realisations. If I can’t write things down, I forget I’ve had them by morning. So, I often email myself if these realisations happen… and that’s what this was about.

I can’t even remember what was going on for me at that time. But I do remember the frustration I’d been feeling with certain people.

Wanted to share it in the hope it somehow helps someone else. ❤

———- Forwarded message ———
From: Kerri Jones
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 2015, 02:38
Subject: Trust own intuitive thoughts/feelings.
To:

Trust your own intuitive thoughts/feelings.

You see traits of yourself in others clearer; that’s frustrating, probably because it takes you back to times when life felt unbearble. You feel helpless because you have no control over the people you see these traits in. You know what might help them but you can’t force them to try; recovery begins when that person wants it to begin. Maybe because they reach their limits, they have a good support network or they stumble across happiness (as they will have done before), that maybe feels a tiny bit better than ever, or lasts a tiny bit longer than before. When that happens, there comes a point where you are able to appreciate it more than you ever have before and it engulfs you. And it engulfs you so much that it becomes you. As those happier feelings grow in strength, frequency and length, they soothe the angrier, more sour feelings. The addition of positive feelings neutralises some of the pain and negativity inside. Initially, there are more negative feelings than positives. But the positives carry on dripping in until eventually there are equal amounts of each. Equal amounts means one can overpower the other – positive can take the spotlight and push negative away or vice versa. In time, eventually, positive is twice the size of negative. Positive is mainly the one in the spotlight, and can, on the majority of occasions, push negative into the darkness. Ideally, negative would disappear completely, but that is not possible. For me, positive will win the spotlight at the most important times, without pushing negative away but by performing for negative. Accepting and acknowledging that negative is there keeps their relationship calm and peaceful. If either tries to deny the other then they start to battle. What you resist, persists. Don’t resist your feelings, always allow them to exist. Don’t act on your feelings without first taking time to think your actions through, as well as any potential consequences of your actions.
Always remember for every action there is a reaction. You cannot control others’ actions or reactions but you can control your own.

Corrie storyline: heartbreakingly true to life, my life and your life!

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time. I have been quite ill the last 4 months with a mystery bug that seems to have triggered something else in me. But, I’m not writing about my physical health. I wanted to talk about mental health.

Before I start, I will explain for those who are new to my blog, how I work. I will type whatever comes to my mind now, after watching the very moving Corrie episode where Aiden takes his own life. I don’t know what it is I want to write but I know I do. I never edit anything I type (apart from typos) so you read it as it comes from my mind.

Most people who know me know that I have struggled with mental health problems in the past. Between 2006-2015 I was under the care of secondary mental health services. I saw a psychiatrist every 6 months, my GP every 1-2 weeks and had a CPN on and off throughout those years. And at least once every year I was admitted to psychiatric in-patients because I was a risk to myself.

I often, during these years, I felt suicidal. Life felt like one big black ball. But people on the outside struggled to understand why I felt so low. Why didn’t the love of my family and friends stop me from attempting suicide, or harming myself? Having just watched the response on Corrie from Aiden’s loved ones, it hit me hard to see them struggle to understand it all. How can anyone who has people who love and care about them, feel so alone? How can they not tell anyone at all about what they’re feeling? How can that decision be made and you still have time to plan ahead? Suicide is not always an impulsive decision.

The thing is, when you are in a fragile state of mind, and you “decide” that you are going to end your life, something happens inside. Or at least, it did with me, on those occasions where suicide really was my only option. One example in particular: I was having a bad time, heading towards hospital stage of things and petrified of all my options. In my mind at that moment, my options were 1. Go into hospital (where I often felt worse), 2. Talk to someone to try and prevent hospital, or 3. Put an immediate stop to all that pain and break that cycle (hospital, then you’re well for a bit then need hospital again). The least scary of those 3 options was suicide. Because suicide meant I didn’t have to go on much longer with those feelings I had. Feelings that felt so bad, so traumatic and so damaging that I just wanted them all to stop. Having already tried option 1 and 2 many many times before, I just wanted to give in. And when I decided that suicide was my chosen option I suddenly felt good. Try imagine you’re running a marathon up a mountain and you cannot stop running no matter how much you want to. You feel close to collapse, your legs are numb your lungs are screaming for air. Imagine then, being given permission to stop; somebody to say “you can stop now”. That was the kind of relief, like you could just allow your body to collapse to the floor and feel the suffering drain away. That was what suicide represented for me.

As for loved ones – they wouldn’t be missing out anyway, would they? Because they’d no longer have to worry about me and when my next bad time was coming. They wouldn’t have to ring or text me to check I was ok. And sure, I understand it would be devastating for them, but better for them in the long run. How wrong I was. Corrie helped me see that more than ever, the sheer devastation that suicide creates for those left behind.

Lots of my friends are now updating their statuses to reach out, offer their support and encourage their own friends/families to talk to them. Which is amazing and will help so many people.

We all like to think we could help someone in that position. That we would listen, offer advice/support/information. And most of us would. But what I saw an awful lot of, when I was in mental health services, and experienced myself, and people sometimes struggle to cope with the persistence of depression or mental health problems.

For example, I’ve already said suicidal ideation could last for months in me sometimes. And some people get fed up with me saying the same things, they got fed up of saying the same things to me and they become very understandably frustrated. Depression doesn’t always disappear once you’ve talked over things. A chat may alleviate those feelings, but the underlying cause is still there.

I rarely talk about my own feelings towards those I worked with in mental health. Being on the other side of it, and supporting someone with suicidal ideation, I can understand how disheartening it can be to talk somebody down from harming themselves time and time again. There were times where I felt like I was useless to those who reached out to me. I was drained at times, with repeating myself to the same people. I’d spend hours talking to people who were struggling and my it wore me down. But I would not do anything differently. Because many of these people have gone very far on their road to recovery. And it’s only now I realise how different things could have been for them if I, and others had given up trying to help them, because of the persistent late night texts and phonecalls and sometimes trips to A&E. These people are often called “Attention seekers”. Call it what you like, but whatever you do, just never let your own feelings of helplessness make you stop caring. Whoever it is, whatever their problem, you can help even if you think you can’t/aren’t.

So all in all, if you feel like you might harm yourself (or others), talk to somebody you can trust. Or talk to a stranger or health professional. Talk to anyone. And never stop talking!!! Never give up hope that your life can feel/be better, and never give up hope that someone elses life could feel/be better.

Much love to anyone who is struggling with any mental health problem at the moment, and to those who have previously struggled as well as those who might struggle in future. In other words, much love to everyone ❤

When your body says no; obeying the body’s messages.

I haven’t been here for a while.. as you may have noticed. I think I’ve had a bit of a block though not sure why just yet. I have thought about writing a blog post but for some reason could never bring myself to open my wordpress and get blogging.

Anyway, what matters is that I made it back eventually and I’m here to try and make sense of what is going on for me right now. And as per, you can share my exploration and if it helps you in some way then excellent.

A busy week last week has caught up with me and I am feeling the strain both physically and emotionally. Fatigue seemed to flare bad on Saturday; I felt dreadful. But I knew I need to go out at some point otherwise the dogs would have had no tea. So, I fling on some clothes and head out to venture to Pets at home which is a 5 minute drive. I got to the end of my road and knew I wasn’t going to make it there so turned left and headed towards Sainburys just up the road. The plan was then to get myself some food; chippy of maccies. I got back in the car and ventured all the way… home. I had no strength to get to the chippy or macdonlds. I was feeling weak, off colour. Once home, I realised I’d forgotten to get 2 of the 3 things I’d wanted to get at Sainburys. And right there in that moment of realisation came… “you thick bitch”. Yes.. I am hard on myself. It is so difficult not to feel so much anger when you do shit like this. How do I, at 30 years of age, accept the limitations and restrictions my fatigue and pain cause?

Well I had nothing left in me. I fed the dogs and moped for the rest of the day.

I am still not feeling well. In fact, right now I feel dreadfully weak but I am not sleepy and cannot settle my racing thoughts.

When I am in flares like this one it inevitably affects my emotional and spiritual self and I know that at the moment, the depression is looming closer than I’d like.

Today, a friend of ours will be laid to rest. And I am sad to have made the decision not to go to his funeral. I don’t have the strength in me to go. My body is doing everything in it’s power to tell me to rest. And until now, I have ignored it. But I know that Andy will understand as he too struggled with fatigue and he described me when he spoke of himself. He will completely know what I am going through. Yet I still feel like I am letting people down. This is a heavy burden on me at the moment. I could feel absolutely fine one moment and can suddenly be exhausted beyond belief within minutes. This makes it difficult to then make plans with people. I might feel up to doing something bug any moment leading up to it the fatigue could smack me right in the face.

I do worry that people see me as unreliable; and therefore try not to make too many plans. I have to live life each day as it comes and that is one hell of a challenge. There is a lot of conflict within me and it’s very uncomfortable to hold inside.

I fear that I may be going on a downer… but I also know somewhere inside me, that I can and will get through it. So there is hope. But right now it feels nasty and I know what I need to do. I need a little break from the world. I need some me time. I need to re-build my physical strength by first resting and recovering from whatever this bloody flare has in store. So, please don’t be offended if I haven’t been in touch with you. To all my friends out there; you may not have heard from me in a while but I still think of you and wonder how you are. You know who you are and I love you ❤

Anyway.. I’m out. Who knows? Maybe I’ll sleep sometime soon before my head explodes (mi-fucking-graine). Bastard!

Feel free to send some healing hugs my way. Positive vibes only… I’m in charge of the negative shit for now 😉👍❤

Love to all ❤

Negative automatic thoughts & how to challenge yours! You up for the challenge?

Recently, I was speaking to a dear friend of mine about something that I know as NATs; or rather, Negative Automatic Thoughts. We all have these and lots of the time we don’t even realise it. This is because they are automatic; you have done something for so long that it just happens without your conscious awareness. But the good news is, NATs are never set it stone and can be changed if you are up for trying. And with that, I challenged my friend to try changing hers… She accepted ☺️

NATs can affect the way we feel, making it an important topic to be aware of. There are different types of NATs and some of the most common ones can include:

1.All or nothing thinking: this is when you see things as black and white, with no grey area. If something you do isn’t right, it’s wrong. If you’re not perfect, you’re a failure. Eg. “I’m not thin, so I must be fat” 

2. Mental Filtering: You ignore any positives about a situation and focus on the negative(s). You don’t see your strengths or look at what you do well. Eg. “I went 6 months without self-injuring then had a set back; I completely failed and will never be able to stop” 

3. Emotional reasoning: You confuse your negative thoughts with facts. When you feel bad you assume things are bad. Eg. “I feel ugly so I must be ugly” 

4. Mind reading: you presume you know what everybody else is thinking about you. Eg. “Everybody thinks/will think I’m stupid” 

5. Personalising: You blame yourself when things go wrong or if something bad happens, without thinking of the likely causes. Eg. “It was all my fault my relationship ended, I’m a horrible person” 

6. Catastrophising: You focus on the negatives until they become huge. You magnify mishaps which makes them seem like total disasters. Eg. “I made a joke but not many people laughed, I made a complete fool of myself and it was a disaster” 

You may already know about those; maybe you have heard people talk about black and white thinking, for example. I never really understood that phrase until I learned about it. 

So, back to my friend; I explained to her that before we can challenge our NATs, we first need to become aware of them and when they happen. This is difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it becomes. It might be a good idea to start by counting how many NATs you have each day. This is a good way of getting used to recognising when they are occurring. Writing your NATs down can also help you to recognise them, and it can also be enough to help you challenge them. You will also notice that some NATs occur regularly. It can be difficult to begin with, but with practice it can get easier. 

Once you are used to recognising your NATs you are ready to challenge them. Ask yourself questions that might help you to see other potential answers. If you see that you do a lot of “mind-reading” you could ask yourself “how can I be sure I am right?” Or “are there any other explanations?”. If you tell yourself you’re crap because you are not perfect a lot of the time, you could ask yourself “what is perfect? Is your definition of perfect even possible or likely?”.

Have you got any NATs that you can think of? Would you be up for the challenge of changing your NATs into PATs? Tell me you know the ‘P’ is for ‘positive’ right? 😉

Get your pen and paper ready and go for it!! Most important thing; have fun as well… Don’t focus on crap stuff all the time.

Here’s one of my recent paintings and couple of the things that comes to mind when I look at it is hope and positivity.  ❤️

Did getting a dog save my life? Unconditional puppy love.

I do not usually remember dates all that well. I never really have. My concept of time is shocking at times. But, one date I do remember, is 13th March 2015. On this day, Milo my Cavalier King Charles was born. He was 2 weeks old when I went to see the puppies and their mum and dad. Milo was the first puppy I held. He was so small compared to his 2 sisters and brother. He was a clear runt; the odd one; different; overlooked. Well not by me. I held and snuggled all 4 pups and knew after meeting Holly and Alfie (and their own pet humans) that I wanted the runt. I visited him agin at 4 weeks, 6 weeks and then excitedly brought him home at 8 weeks. He was the most adorable, playful, snuggly little thing and everything he did was cute. And what of toilet training with him? He was quite good and picked it up pretty quickly (thankfully). He demanded so much attention sometimes, just like all puppies. He wanted to play, or he wanted a cuddle, or he wanted to go out and he kept me right on my toes. But he’s the best thing that I ever did. He has forced me in a way, to become more responsible. I haven’t been in hospital once since I got him. It wasn’t that straight-forward any more. I had this fluffy little thing depending on me to survive. I had to find other ways of coping that would enable me to stay quite stable. Two years on and STILL almost everything he does is cute. Because when I look at him gazing up at me, wiggly bum and waggly tail, I realise that I love him so much. We have a very special bond and he is so unbelievably clever when he wants to be, or if there’s a food reward offered 🙄

I guess it’s possible he did save my life. I had to stop myself from getting so low that the suicial ideation kicked in, because I couldn’t kill myself and leave this beautiful creature who loves me unconditionally ❤ and he also made it very difficult for me to want to self-harm; not something I’d like to do with those big brown eyes staring innocently up at me.

This photo that Bex took today completely sums up the relationship between Milo and Me. 

Tomorrow I shall write about Flossie; my second dog. And then the day after, Maia’s turn! 3 dogs. 3 special bonds, each unique. 

If you have pets, just look at them every now and then to remind yourself of how much they love you. ‘Cos they really do! ❤