Recently, I was speaking to a dear friend of mine about something that I know as NATs; or rather, Negative Automatic Thoughts. We all have these and lots of the time we don’t even realise it. This is because they are automatic; you have done something for so long that it just happens without your conscious awareness. But the good news is, NATs are never set it stone and can be changed if you are up for trying. And with that, I challenged my friend to try changing hers… She accepted ☺️

NATs can affect the way we feel, making it an important topic to be aware of. There are different types of NATs and some of the most common ones can include:

1.All or nothing thinking: this is when you see things as black and white, with no grey area. If something you do isn’t right, it’s wrong. If you’re not perfect, you’re a failure. Eg. “I’m not thin, so I must be fat” 

2. Mental Filtering: You ignore any positives about a situation and focus on the negative(s). You don’t see your strengths or look at what you do well. Eg. “I went 6 months without self-injuring then had a set back; I completely failed and will never be able to stop” 

3. Emotional reasoning: You confuse your negative thoughts with facts. When you feel bad you assume things are bad. Eg. “I feel ugly so I must be ugly” 

4. Mind reading: you presume you know what everybody else is thinking about you. Eg. “Everybody thinks/will think I’m stupid” 

5. Personalising: You blame yourself when things go wrong or if something bad happens, without thinking of the likely causes. Eg. “It was all my fault my relationship ended, I’m a horrible person” 

6. Catastrophising: You focus on the negatives until they become huge. You magnify mishaps which makes them seem like total disasters. Eg. “I made a joke but not many people laughed, I made a complete fool of myself and it was a disaster” 

You may already know about those; maybe you have heard people talk about black and white thinking, for example. I never really understood that phrase until I learned about it. 

So, back to my friend; I explained to her that before we can challenge our NATs, we first need to become aware of them and when they happen. This is difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it becomes. It might be a good idea to start by counting how many NATs you have each day. This is a good way of getting used to recognising when they are occurring. Writing your NATs down can also help you to recognise them, and it can also be enough to help you challenge them. You will also notice that some NATs occur regularly. It can be difficult to begin with, but with practice it can get easier. 

Once you are used to recognising your NATs you are ready to challenge them. Ask yourself questions that might help you to see other potential answers. If you see that you do a lot of “mind-reading” you could ask yourself “how can I be sure I am right?” Or “are there any other explanations?”. If you tell yourself you’re crap because you are not perfect a lot of the time, you could ask yourself “what is perfect? Is your definition of perfect even possible or likely?”.

Have you got any NATs that you can think of? Would you be up for the challenge of changing your NATs into PATs? Tell me you know the ‘P’ is for ‘positive’ right? 😉

Get your pen and paper ready and go for it!! Most important thing; have fun as well… Don’t focus on crap stuff all the time.

Here’s one of my recent paintings and couple of the things that comes to mind when I look at it is hope and positivity.  ❤️

I do not usually remember dates all that well. I never really have. My concept of time is shocking at times. But, one date I do remember, is 13th March 2015. On this day, Milo my Cavalier King Charles was born. He was 2 weeks old when I went to see the puppies and their mum and dad. Milo was the first puppy I held. He was so small compared to his 2 sisters and brother. He was a clear runt; the odd one; different; overlooked. Well not by me. I held and snuggled all 4 pups and knew after meeting Holly and Alfie (and their own pet humans) that I wanted the runt. I visited him agin at 4 weeks, 6 weeks and then excitedly brought him home at 8 weeks. He was the most adorable, playful, snuggly little thing and everything he did was cute. And what of toilet training with him? He was quite good and picked it up pretty quickly (thankfully). He demanded so much attention sometimes, just like all puppies. He wanted to play, or he wanted a cuddle, or he wanted to go out and he kept me right on my toes. But he’s the best thing that I ever did. He has forced me in a way, to become more responsible. I haven’t been in hospital once since I got him. It wasn’t that straight-forward any more. I had this fluffy little thing depending on me to survive. I had to find other ways of coping that would enable me to stay quite stable. Two years on and STILL almost everything he does is cute. Because when I look at him gazing up at me, wiggly bum and waggly tail, I realise that I love him so much. We have a very special bond and he is so unbelievably clever when he wants to be, or if there’s a food reward offered 🙄

I guess it’s possible he did save my life. I had to stop myself from getting so low that the suicial ideation kicked in, because I couldn’t kill myself and leave this beautiful creature who loves me unconditionally ❤ and he also made it very difficult for me to want to self-harm; not something I’d like to do with those big brown eyes staring innocently up at me.

This photo that Bex took today completely sums up the relationship between Milo and Me. 

Tomorrow I shall write about Flossie; my second dog. And then the day after, Maia’s turn! 3 dogs. 3 special bonds, each unique. 

If you have pets, just look at them every now and then to remind yourself of how much they love you. ‘Cos they really do! ❤

Most of you know that I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder; according to the psychiatrist who treated me for at least 5 years, it is now in remission. She explained that we are never ‘cured’ of the diagnosis as such. It could be that it never rears it’s head again, or it’s possible that issues may arise during stressful times. And that makes perfect sense to me now. At first, I wasn’t fully sure; would it come back? How would I cope? Would it last years again?

I guess experience has given me an insight and I can now start to answer those questions for myself. So here we go.

Would it come back?

I don’t think that for me, it ever “went away” and therefore it was not about whether it comes back. It doesn’t just go to sleep for a few years and then randomly wake up to cause chaos a few years down the line. I don’t feel any different when the diagnosis is ‘in remission’ to when it wasn’t. Life for all of us is literally ups and downs somewhere along the way. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows; they just don’t peak/trough as much as they did. That doesn’t mean though, and this is the important point; that my peaks/troughs will always feel all that manageable. And I think that was what I was expecting. I thought I’d not have melt downs, I wouldn’t feel down or high. I thought I would always know how, and feel able to approach anything and everything. So really I set myself up for a big fall. Had a few too many high expectations and unrealistic expectations of myself Which leads me to the next question (I’m flowing here);

How would I cope?

Well now I know; I cope with 1 thing at a time. It’s important for me to remember not to overwhelm myself with too much. I overload myself and then I shut down to everything. I cope by talking to somebody about how I feel as I am feeling it. I try to stay very open, I try to assert myself and my own needs more and try not to live in fear of what other people think of me. I do whatever feels ‘right’ for me; tolerate the horrid feelings of despair that sometimes grip me, distract myself, try to have fun or talk/write etc. Point is, I have more tools in my toolbox to tackle high/low moods. So they don’t seem to swing back and forth as extreme as they used to.

Would it last years again?

“It” will always be there; of that I am certain. Because “it” is not a mental illness. “It” is me. “It” is my past, my present and my future. “It” is my thoughts, feelings, actions & reactions. “It” is my choices in life. “It” is me, living my life. And it is exactly “It” that I need to learn to accept and learn to live with.

Now then, does “it” make sense? ❤

The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult for me for a variety of reasons. I think the main reason is just how tired, fatigued, and sore and in-pain I am recently. These things, quite naturally, reduce my emotional threshold or tolerance to any fucker that blinks at me. 

Now before we go any further, I’d like to just touch on my language. I’ve said this so many times; I literally write what comes into my head. And I typed ‘fucker’ and then deleted it and spent/wasted at least 5 minutes (felt like hours) trying alternatives. They were so shit that I went back to the original ‘f’ word. On a more serious note, the main reason I keep offensive (they are to some people) words in is because when I read it back to myself I get a real sense of strong emotion.. and I hope that sometimes happens when you read my blog. Trust me, I swear much more than this every day… just in the right company (my own).

Now that’s sorted I’ll have to read back because I have no idea what I was going on about.

Back; people and tolerating them. Only, if I’d said that to a therapist they may rephrase the term more to something like “YOU… and tolerating your own feelings”. That’s just one possibility of course. Though it’s one I’d like to look into; it has obviously surfaced now for a reason.

I have to admit, my emotions have been a little more difficult to tolerate in the last week or so. More so since Monday’s awful bomb attack in Manchester 🎗🎗🎗 because of the things I’ve read or things that I’ve seen on tv. My emotional-sink was getting full. Once full, the emotions; just like water from a sink, will overflow uncontrollably. In order to stop overflow, you must keep your emotional sink empty. As mentioned earlier, thanks to the fatigue and pain worsening alongside my memory. So anything on tv or in papers or on facebook I’ve tried to avoid because I know I would just cry. Obviously the avoidance is an issue; only just seen that and realised… meaning I can look at it to try and work on it.

Long story shortened as much as possible; I had a good cry yesterday and it only went and emptied my frikkin sink a lot. 

Enter: kick-ass attitude 

On a final note my beautiful fiancé Bex and my fabulous big sister Rach are running the half marathon tomorrow to raise funds for DOGS 4 RESCUE and THE ALZHEIMERS SOCIETY. I want to wish them the best of luck and know they’ll both do fab! So proud of you both. If anyone wants to sponsor them;

Bex: Dogs4Rescue

Rach: The Alzheimers Society

I found myself wanting to write a blog post and sat here wondering what to write about. Writing about my own personal growth or recent realisations seems so insignificant. Most things do at the moment given what has happened this week. I have found that I still struggle to listen to or watch the news because of the way they repeat eyewitness statements in so much detail. And I think this is what I’d like to write about tonight. How the mind can conjure up so much crap and how devastating it can be.

I live about 25 miles from Manchester. When you think about the size of the whole country, even the whole world; think of what the chances are of a suicide bomber hitting so close to home. You see it on the news, and somehow you feel safe behind your tv screens. You know that the chances of being caught up in or so close to a terrorist act are extremely, extremely slim. So when you wake up to hear of one literally up the road; well the feelings you get are not anything you are familiar with. And even though none of my friends were harmed on Monday, I still feel like it’s more personal. Listening to Joel & Lorna on Heart on Tuesday morning just touched me so so much. These guys love Manchester, live in Manchester, spend lots of time at the Arena. They were deeply saddened, devastated actually. And the people that rang them to offer support or share their thoughts too. It was a nice feeling to be part of this community; but not a nice situation; very bittersweet. The community had already started coming together to offer their support; emotional, practical and financial. Manchester is a city I’ve grown to love. Lots of my friends live in or around the city; Wigan, Ashton, Leigh. In fact those 3 places were my primary location when I set up the Wigan No Secrets group; for people who self-harm and need peer support. I met so many amazing people; some will be friends for life. I grew to feel more comfortable with each place, the more time I spent there and the more people I met or worked with. I have been treated on Leigh psychiatric unit on various occasions. But still; the chances of anything like this happening, next to none; and I am sure the majority of us thought that.

When the 7/7 bombings happened it was un-nerving to say the least. I saw some awful footage of that day, just on the news alone, and it played so much with my mind; for years after. So I have no idea what eyewitnesses or victims of that day might have seen or how they felt. I gather dreadful doesn’t come close. And I still think about those people who were caught by the 7/7 bombings, hoping so much that they found somebody to talk to about their experiences that day. Worrying about the trauma they might still be going through now as a result. My heart aches for anybody who has experienced trauma; so much so I can often feel their feelings. Only, it’s not their feelings I have. It’s my own, that have been conjured up by mind; my own imagination. I have never been involved in any kind of explosion thankfully so I can only imagine what that must be like. So my imagination uses all those photographic images I have in my memory. Using things I’ve seen on tv; fictional or not, about how hot it feels, how loud it is, how dark it is, how alone you feel and frightened and dazed. And those thoughts then create physical sensations; feelings. Ears might start ringing, I’m shaking and petrified and breathing very quickly as if I am there right now in the middle of a bomb explosion. I may start crying and it can be very difficult to bring myself “back” into the room. My mind completely takes me somewhere else for a bit. And this, I hope, demonstrates how powerful the mind is. And I think it also demonstrates how anxiety attacks happen; although I am not sure.

I know this post is slightly all over the place… I just had to write without thinking about it. I would appreciate any feedback on this actually. I am keen to know if anybody else out there has ever experienced anxiety attacks based on imagining how a situation may feel should it ever happen to you? I wonder if this is something we all do, to an extent? 1 word; spectrum! You know I love the spectrum; the one that we are all on. Everybody. Including you. Is this something we have all done or still do, to varying degrees; hence all at different points of the spectrum? That’s gonna have to be my final word on this my eyes can’t cope with all the words; so tired. I look forward to hearing any feedback anybody has on this post.

Take care everyone and I hope you all have a peaceful night ❤

Terror attacks are horrific, wherever they happen and whoever is involved. But the Manchester bomb this week has been absolutely devastating for me and so many others.

I know of a few people who were there that night to enjoy a concert with the pretty amazing Ariana Grande.  Luckily they were unhurt, at least physically. 

I, like so many other people I know have been indirectly affected by this. I, like so many other people I know are still reeling from what happened. I, like so many other people I know are still trying to figure out the answer to WHY? 

I don’t think anyone in their right mind will ever truly understand the answer to that question. It sickens me that there are people out there who are proud of what this creature did. And they are infiltrating into our communities; the very communities they wish to destroy.  I looked at my 6 year old niece the other day and wondered just how scary she feels the world is. I look at my 15 year old nephew and wonder how he would manage if he had lost a friend or parent that night. I wonder just how I would hold it together if a any of my relatives or friends were seriously ill or deceased. And that’s when my stomach churns because I know there is nothing I can imagine that would even come close to what some of the victims are going through right now. And it pains me so much to think that anybody could hurt so much and there is nothing I can do to take it away from them. I am just so sad for everybody. 

It’s easy to get sucked into that sometimes risky whirlwind. It’s easy to dig a deeper black hole by always looking at the bad stuff. Watching news reports that show upsetting scenes or reading newspaper articles that describe some of the horror can also be shockingly difficult. It’s fine to mourn what happened, the many lives lost or changed forever. We all deal with things differently. But if it plays on your mind or you feel like you are heading for a whirlwind please seek support. Any bomb like this is just atrocious. But kids? 

Let people know you love them. Give them an extra hug next time you see your loved ones. We are with you Manchester. ❤❤❤ love and best wishes to all. Gentle hugs and prayers for those affected xxx

So for a few days now, if not a week or so, I have been in and out of stinking moods. Mostly in them than out. And I’m snappy, feeling tearful, and rather gloomy; like Eeyore. I’ve not been feeling too well. Plus I haven’t been sleeping well so I’m more tired than usual. And my car, a lifeline, is dying. I really enjoy driving to de-stress; probably because I can scream and shout at the actions of all those idiots on the road without them even knowing I’m doing it. Unless they nearly crash into me; then they get the rage. Beside the point. 

The actual point I was making was how bloody miserable I have been feeling. And I am trying to remain upbeat but it is damn hard when you dont feel very upbeat. The usual things help alleviate the feeling; spending time with friends/loved ones, driving etc. but that miserable feeling is ready to pounce as soon as I stop and rest. So I have just been tolerating it because I know it will pass (just might have to wait fucking years…). That’s the problem; you know it’ll pass but you don’t know when. Anyway I’m arguing with my brain here… which in a way, is part of the solution… my brain.

When I write, my brain just switches off and my hands just type on my phone or tablet. And then I start to hear a commentary (my own voice; not a strangers voice), and my tiny little mind will throw up the words I need to express how I feel inside. And then I read it all back and think “where the fuck did that come from?”. 

The whole reason for this blog was because sometimes when things feel so draining, writing for me, can become quite amusing. And all it took was for me to read back a message I’d just sent a friend about early mornings. 

Haha I don’t do early. Unless I wake up early… but that’s rare… usually I wake up late. When I wake up early I go all out and make it as early as 3am sometimes. Not cool!

Sometimes it takes hardly anything. And that makes it all the more interesting actually and is something to look into further. But not now. Now I need to rest. Humour is exhausting.

❤❤❤

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.”

If I’d have given up on my first attempt at anything I do, I’d still be very stuck in that dismal place I was in.

Don’t get me wrong; the world isn’t always bright and beautiful. And I still visit that dismal place every now and then. And it is still as dark and lonely there as it has always been. But you literally have to just keep on trying.

People used to tell me to take things 1 step at a time. “Take each day as it comes” was the most common phrase I’d hear. And sometimes I understood that and could ‘get’ what they were saying. Where other times, I’d be thinking “I don’t wanna be here another day feeling like this”. I’d be cursing people, obviously in my mind; whilst sitting and nodding blankly.

‘If you could be me for a day you wouldn’t be fuckin’ sitting there telling me to “just” get through this day.’

It would feel like nobody was listening, or rather, hearing me. People would tell me they understood, that it makes sense that I would feel awful about things, that taking things a day at a time would help. If I could go back to those times; when I was sitting and quietly arguing with people who thought their advice was universal and worked for everyone (breathe..😮), I would give myself this advice:

• Take it however slowly you need to. Maybe you struggle with the next 24 hours because that’s too much. Maybe try an hour at a time. Sometimes even a minute. Find a way of getting through 1 minute, and you’ve achieved your first step on your journey to something better.
• Accept that other people will say/do what they believe may be helpful to you. Most of those people genuinely want to help and support you. Believe it or not, they’re not setting out to piss you off or upset you.
• If people aren’t helping, then ask yourself what are you expecting from them? Are those expectations realistic? Are they fair?

So often it was my expecations of others that was the problem with me. Looking back, I expected people to ‘know’ what exactly how I felt; thinking that somehow it would take it all away. But I struggled too, to express how I felt, mostly because I didn’t understand my feelings and emotions. Surprised really that it was 9 yrs in mental health services before anybody thought “oh wait a minute, she can’t say how she feels because she doesn’t understand; so let’s teach her”.

I read somewhere somebody’s own explanations for emotions and feelings. With emotions, you think about those first. Feelings just happen, spontaneously. This explained why I would one minute feel absolutely fine, the next I felt so bad I wished I was dead. Bear with me on this… The emotions happen in your mind initially; something happens, you interpret it and the emotion kicks in.

The emotion is your mind’s way of kick-starting your body into action.

The feelings then happen. So as an example… you hear a noise downstairs and immediately think there is somebody in the house (my anxious little mind lol). The emotion that kick-starts your physical body would be fear. And literally within seconds of hearing that noise, you are trembling/shaking, your palms are sweaty, your heartbeat is faster and more prominent. These are all the body’s way of getting ready to either fight the threat or flee/run from it or freeze (play dead really).

That’s obviously a basic scenario that lots of us can relate to. So, in those first few seconds you think. And we all think differently. You might hear a bang and think “oh my god it’s a burgular” whilst I may hear the same noise and think “cat’s are playing again”. You would go on to feel frightened, anxious etc. Your body would react to that by shaking and all those other things we feel. My body will still be relaxing because my thought process meant a different outcome. See how quickly those thoughts take place though? Didn’t even realise that myself until now.

Anyhow it goes; trigger – thoughts – emotions – feelings. These vary so much from person to person depending a lot on their past experiences. Someone may have been in a car accident and associate loud noises with that. They may then hear any loud noise and ‘think’ there is danger, then feel frightened and anxious. See where I’m going?

My point was … ermmm… genuinely forgot where I was going with that 🤣 so think I’m going to leave it there and write again soon.

Take care. Sending you all gentle, healing huggles ❤