Borderline Personality Disorder: in remission. What have I learned? 

Most of you know that I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder; according to the psychiatrist who treated me for at least 5 years, it is now in remission. She explained that we are never ‘cured’ of the diagnosis as such. It could be that it never rears it’s head again, or it’s possible that issues may arise during stressful times. And that makes perfect sense to me now. At first, I wasn’t fully sure; would it come back? How would I cope? Would it last years again?

I guess experience has given me an insight and I can now start to answer those questions for myself. So here we go.

Would it come back?

I don’t think that for me, it ever “went away” and therefore it was not about whether it comes back. It doesn’t just go to sleep for a few years and then randomly wake up to cause chaos a few years down the line. I don’t feel any different when the diagnosis is ‘in remission’ to when it wasn’t. Life for all of us is literally ups and downs somewhere along the way. I have had extreme highs and extreme lows; they just don’t peak/trough as much as they did. That doesn’t mean though, and this is the important point; that my peaks/troughs will always feel all that manageable. And I think that was what I was expecting. I thought I’d not have melt downs, I wouldn’t feel down or high. I thought I would always know how, and feel able to approach anything and everything. So really I set myself up for a big fall. Had a few too many high expectations and unrealistic expectations of myself Which leads me to the next question (I’m flowing here);

How would I cope?

Well now I know; I cope with 1 thing at a time. It’s important for me to remember not to overwhelm myself with too much. I overload myself and then I shut down to everything. I cope by talking to somebody about how I feel as I am feeling it. I try to stay very open, I try to assert myself and my own needs more and try not to live in fear of what other people think of me. I do whatever feels ‘right’ for me; tolerate the horrid feelings of despair that sometimes grip me, distract myself, try to have fun or talk/write etc. Point is, I have more tools in my toolbox to tackle high/low moods. So they don’t seem to swing back and forth as extreme as they used to.

Would it last years again?

“It” will always be there; of that I am certain. Because “it” is not a mental illness. “It” is me. “It” is my past, my present and my future. “It” is my thoughts, feelings, actions & reactions. “It” is my choices in life. “It” is me, living my life. And it is exactly “It” that I need to learn to accept and learn to live with.

Now then, does “it” make sense? ❤

Emotional sinks and over-flow problems. Plus a side note, or 2!

The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult for me for a variety of reasons. I think the main reason is just how tired, fatigued, and sore and in-pain I am recently. These things, quite naturally, reduce my emotional threshold or tolerance to any fucker that blinks at me. 

Now before we go any further, I’d like to just touch on my language. I’ve said this so many times; I literally write what comes into my head. And I typed ‘fucker’ and then deleted it and spent/wasted at least 5 minutes (felt like hours) trying alternatives. They were so shit that I went back to the original ‘f’ word. On a more serious note, the main reason I keep offensive (they are to some people) words in is because when I read it back to myself I get a real sense of strong emotion.. and I hope that sometimes happens when you read my blog. Trust me, I swear much more than this every day… just in the right company (my own).

Now that’s sorted I’ll have to read back because I have no idea what I was going on about.

Back; people and tolerating them. Only, if I’d said that to a therapist they may rephrase the term more to something like “YOU… and tolerating your own feelings”. That’s just one possibility of course. Though it’s one I’d like to look into; it has obviously surfaced now for a reason.

I have to admit, my emotions have been a little more difficult to tolerate in the last week or so. More so since Monday’s awful bomb attack in Manchester 🎗🎗🎗 because of the things I’ve read or things that I’ve seen on tv. My emotional-sink was getting full. Once full, the emotions; just like water from a sink, will overflow uncontrollably. In order to stop overflow, you must keep your emotional sink empty. As mentioned earlier, thanks to the fatigue and pain worsening alongside my memory. So anything on tv or in papers or on facebook I’ve tried to avoid because I know I would just cry. Obviously the avoidance is an issue; only just seen that and realised… meaning I can look at it to try and work on it.

Long story shortened as much as possible; I had a good cry yesterday and it only went and emptied my frikkin sink a lot. 

Enter: kick-ass attitude 

On a final note my beautiful fiancé Bex and my fabulous big sister Rach are running the half marathon tomorrow to raise funds for DOGS 4 RESCUE and THE ALZHEIMERS SOCIETY. I want to wish them the best of luck and know they’ll both do fab! So proud of you both. If anyone wants to sponsor them;

Bex: Dogs4Rescue

Rach: The Alzheimers Society

Powerful minds; the mind is amazing. And not always in a good way

I found myself wanting to write a blog post and sat here wondering what to write about. Writing about my own personal growth or recent realisations seems so insignificant. Most things do at the moment given what has happened this week. I have found that I still struggle to listen to or watch the news because of the way they repeat eyewitness statements in so much detail. And I think this is what I’d like to write about tonight. How the mind can conjure up so much crap and how devastating it can be.

I live about 25 miles from Manchester. When you think about the size of the whole country, even the whole world; think of what the chances are of a suicide bomber hitting so close to home. You see it on the news, and somehow you feel safe behind your tv screens. You know that the chances of being caught up in or so close to a terrorist act are extremely, extremely slim. So when you wake up to hear of one literally up the road; well the feelings you get are not anything you are familiar with. And even though none of my friends were harmed on Monday, I still feel like it’s more personal. Listening to Joel & Lorna on Heart on Tuesday morning just touched me so so much. These guys love Manchester, live in Manchester, spend lots of time at the Arena. They were deeply saddened, devastated actually. And the people that rang them to offer support or share their thoughts too. It was a nice feeling to be part of this community; but not a nice situation; very bittersweet. The community had already started coming together to offer their support; emotional, practical and financial. Manchester is a city I’ve grown to love. Lots of my friends live in or around the city; Wigan, Ashton, Leigh. In fact those 3 places were my primary location when I set up the Wigan No Secrets group; for people who self-harm and need peer support. I met so many amazing people; some will be friends for life. I grew to feel more comfortable with each place, the more time I spent there and the more people I met or worked with. I have been treated on Leigh psychiatric unit on various occasions. But still; the chances of anything like this happening, next to none; and I am sure the majority of us thought that.

When the 7/7 bombings happened it was un-nerving to say the least. I saw some awful footage of that day, just on the news alone, and it played so much with my mind; for years after. So I have no idea what eyewitnesses or victims of that day might have seen or how they felt. I gather dreadful doesn’t come close. And I still think about those people who were caught by the 7/7 bombings, hoping so much that they found somebody to talk to about their experiences that day. Worrying about the trauma they might still be going through now as a result. My heart aches for anybody who has experienced trauma; so much so I can often feel their feelings. Only, it’s not their feelings I have. It’s my own, that have been conjured up by mind; my own imagination. I have never been involved in any kind of explosion thankfully so I can only imagine what that must be like. So my imagination uses all those photographic images I have in my memory. Using things I’ve seen on tv; fictional or not, about how hot it feels, how loud it is, how dark it is, how alone you feel and frightened and dazed. And those thoughts then create physical sensations; feelings. Ears might start ringing, I’m shaking and petrified and breathing very quickly as if I am there right now in the middle of a bomb explosion. I may start crying and it can be very difficult to bring myself “back” into the room. My mind completely takes me somewhere else for a bit. And this, I hope, demonstrates how powerful the mind is. And I think it also demonstrates how anxiety attacks happen; although I am not sure.

I know this post is slightly all over the place… I just had to write without thinking about it. I would appreciate any feedback on this actually. I am keen to know if anybody else out there has ever experienced anxiety attacks based on imagining how a situation may feel should it ever happen to you? I wonder if this is something we all do, to an extent? 1 word; spectrum! You know I love the spectrum; the one that we are all on. Everybody. Including you. Is this something we have all done or still do, to varying degrees; hence all at different points of the spectrum? That’s gonna have to be my final word on this my eyes can’t cope with all the words; so tired. I look forward to hearing any feedback anybody has on this post.

Take care everyone and I hope you all have a peaceful night ❤

A terror attack up the road? If you need to talk please seek support. 

Terror attacks are horrific, wherever they happen and whoever is involved. But the Manchester bomb this week has been absolutely devastating for me and so many others.

I know of a few people who were there that night to enjoy a concert with the pretty amazing Ariana Grande.  Luckily they were unhurt, at least physically. 

I, like so many other people I know have been indirectly affected by this. I, like so many other people I know are still reeling from what happened. I, like so many other people I know are still trying to figure out the answer to WHY? 

I don’t think anyone in their right mind will ever truly understand the answer to that question. It sickens me that there are people out there who are proud of what this creature did. And they are infiltrating into our communities; the very communities they wish to destroy.  I looked at my 6 year old niece the other day and wondered just how scary she feels the world is. I look at my 15 year old nephew and wonder how he would manage if he had lost a friend or parent that night. I wonder just how I would hold it together if a any of my relatives or friends were seriously ill or deceased. And that’s when my stomach churns because I know there is nothing I can imagine that would even come close to what some of the victims are going through right now. And it pains me so much to think that anybody could hurt so much and there is nothing I can do to take it away from them. I am just so sad for everybody. 

It’s easy to get sucked into that sometimes risky whirlwind. It’s easy to dig a deeper black hole by always looking at the bad stuff. Watching news reports that show upsetting scenes or reading newspaper articles that describe some of the horror can also be shockingly difficult. It’s fine to mourn what happened, the many lives lost or changed forever. We all deal with things differently. But if it plays on your mind or you feel like you are heading for a whirlwind please seek support. Any bomb like this is just atrocious. But kids? 

Let people know you love them. Give them an extra hug next time you see your loved ones. We are with you Manchester. ❤❤❤ love and best wishes to all. Gentle hugs and prayers for those affected xxx

Sometimes it takes something so insignificant and daft to make you feel better; my stupid thing is writing! What’s yours?

So for a few days now, if not a week or so, I have been in and out of stinking moods. Mostly in them than out. And I’m snappy, feeling tearful, and rather gloomy; like Eeyore. I’ve not been feeling too well. Plus I haven’t been sleeping well so I’m more tired than usual. And my car, a lifeline, is dying. I really enjoy driving to de-stress; probably because I can scream and shout at the actions of all those idiots on the road without them even knowing I’m doing it. Unless they nearly crash into me; then they get the rage. Beside the point. 

The actual point I was making was how bloody miserable I have been feeling. And I am trying to remain upbeat but it is damn hard when you dont feel very upbeat. The usual things help alleviate the feeling; spending time with friends/loved ones, driving etc. but that miserable feeling is ready to pounce as soon as I stop and rest. So I have just been tolerating it because I know it will pass (just might have to wait fucking years…). That’s the problem; you know it’ll pass but you don’t know when. Anyway I’m arguing with my brain here… which in a way, is part of the solution… my brain.

When I write, my brain just switches off and my hands just type on my phone or tablet. And then I start to hear a commentary (my own voice; not a strangers voice), and my tiny little mind will throw up the words I need to express how I feel inside. And then I read it all back and think “where the fuck did that come from?”. 

The whole reason for this blog was because sometimes when things feel so draining, writing for me, can become quite amusing. And all it took was for me to read back a message I’d just sent a friend about early mornings. 

Haha I don’t do early. Unless I wake up early… but that’s rare… usually I wake up late. When I wake up early I go all out and make it as early as 3am sometimes. Not cool!

Sometimes it takes hardly anything. And that makes it all the more interesting actually and is something to look into further. But not now. Now I need to rest. Humour is exhausting.

❤❤❤

Emotions & feelings: unclearly understanding the process from beginning to end… with my foggy little brain!

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.”

If I’d have given up on my first attempt at anything I do, I’d still be very stuck in that dismal place I was in.

Don’t get me wrong; the world isn’t always bright and beautiful. And I still visit that dismal place every now and then. And it is still as dark and lonely there as it has always been. But you literally have to just keep on trying.

People used to tell me to take things 1 step at a time. “Take each day as it comes” was the most common phrase I’d hear. And sometimes I understood that and could ‘get’ what they were saying. Where other times, I’d be thinking “I don’t wanna be here another day feeling like this”. I’d be cursing people, obviously in my mind; whilst sitting and nodding blankly.

‘If you could be me for a day you wouldn’t be fuckin’ sitting there telling me to “just” get through this day.’

It would feel like nobody was listening, or rather, hearing me. People would tell me they understood, that it makes sense that I would feel awful about things, that taking things a day at a time would help. If I could go back to those times; when I was sitting and quietly arguing with people who thought their advice was universal and worked for everyone (breathe..😮), I would give myself this advice:

  • Take it however slowly you need to. Maybe you struggle with the next 24 hours because that’s too much. Maybe try an hour at a time. Sometimes even a minute. Find a way of getting through 1 minute, and you’ve achieved your first step on your journey to something better.
  • Accept that other people will say/do what they believe may be helpful to you. Most of those people genuinely want to help and support you. Believe it or not, they’re not setting out to piss you off or upset you.
  • If people aren’t helping, then ask yourself what are you expecting from them? Are those expectations realistic? Are they fair?

So often it was my expecations of others that was the problem with me. Looking back, I expected people to ‘know’ what exactly how I felt; thinking that somehow it would take it all away. But I struggled too, to express how I felt, mostly because I didn’t understand my feelings and emotions. Surprised really that it was 9 yrs in mental health services before anybody thought “oh wait a minute, she can’t say how she feels because she doesn’t understand; so let’s teach her”.

I read somewhere somebody’s own explanations for emotions and feelings. With emotions, you think about those first. Feelings just happen, spontaneously. This explained why I would one minute feel absolutely fine, the next I felt so bad I wished I was dead. Bear with me on this… The emotions happen in your mind initially; something happens, you interpret it and the emotion kicks in.

The emotion is your mind’s way of kick-starting your body into action.

The feelings then happen. So as an example… you hear a noise downstairs and immediately think there is somebody in the house (my anxious little mind lol). The emotion that kick-starts your physical body would be fear. And literally within seconds of hearing that noise, you are trembling/shaking, your palms are sweaty, your heartbeat is faster and more prominent. These are all the body’s way of getting ready to either fight the threat or flee/run from it or freeze (play dead really).

That’s obviously a basic scenario that lots of us can relate to. So, in those first few seconds you think. And we all think differently. You might hear a bang and think “oh my god it’s a burgular” whilst I may hear the same noise and think “cat’s are playing again”. You would go on to feel frightened, anxious etc. Your body would react to that by shaking and all those other things we feel. My body will still be relaxing because my thought process meant a different outcome. See how quickly those thoughts take place though? Didn’t even realise that myself until now.

Anyhow it goes; trigger – thoughts – emotions – feelings. These vary so much from person to person depending a lot on their past experiences. Someone may have been in a car accident and associate loud noises with that. They may then hear any loud noise and ‘think’ there is danger, then feel frightened and anxious. See where I’m going?

My point was … ermmm… genuinely forgot where I was going with that 🤣 so think I’m going to leave it there and write again soon.

Take care. Sending you all gentle, healing huggles ❤

Why is counselling so good this time & how is it having such a positive and powerful impact?

In my previous post, you will notice I asked a lot of questions about the counselling process. This post will hopefully give you some insight into my own ideas, views and beliefs about my counselling. 

So; onto my response to my questions.

I wonder why it works so well this time? What is different this time? How had it become that I felt great after each session? Was it to do with the counsellor, or was it to do with me? And is this how it feels when it really works? Is this what counselling should look like? And if so, why had it never looked like this before?

I believe that this time around, my own approach to my counselling has been very different to previous therapies. In the last 10 years, one of the most important lessons I have learned, is that honesty and openness helps to keep me well. I don’t necessarily mean just being honest about how my days have been or how I feel now etc. I mean complete honesty as in also bringing up any issues with the counselling process too. During my last counselling session, which seems to have been the most significant yet, I spoke to my counsellor about issues I’d normally shy away from. You know, when you want to say ‘There is something I would like to say’ but you don’t feel confident enough? I wanted to discuss my own behaviour and bring up things that required a certain amount of assertiveness to it. And I did that; I brought things to the session that felt so difficult to discuss but I knew if I didn’t that it would play on my mind and eat away at me. What was different this time? The counsellor is the obvious difference. A fresh pair of eyes is always helpful. But I think the main difference is my approach. I am not going to gain much from the sessions if I am not as open and honest with the counsellor as I should be. I have learned that my thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. I have learned so many times, that bottling something up; even the ‘small’ things, can be detrimental to my health. I know from experience, that if I don’t speak the truth about my feelings, that it takes it’s toll on me and I can become very unwell.

I do believe this is what counselling should look like, for sure. I believe that an effective partnership between counsellor and client is essential. If you don’t feel comfortable with somebody you are working with, then it’s likely that you won’t feel able to bring your most difficult feelings to the sessions. Feeling great after sessions isn’t just about having a ‘buzz’ from getting things off your chest; it’s also about feeling motivated, confident in your own abilities and inspired to make changes; no matter how small. 

I think that counselling this time around is so different because I am so different to how I used to be. I know a lot more about myself, through all my previous therapy, and I’m lucky enough to have become assertive throughout my life (not just in counselling).

That does not mean I have assertiveness down to a tee. There are some areas in my life where I still struggle a lot. But, if it can change and improve in other areas of my life, I know it can change in all areas. I just have to be patient with myself enough for it to come in time.

So… the key, for me has been: authenticity, transparency and honesty. In general, we get back what we put in. So going into anything half-arsed means you won’t experience the optimum benefit. Holding back only means you prevent yourself from taking another step forward. Only you can change that; with the right person/therapist. It’s a combination really then.

A good therapeutic relationship in which you feel safe enough to do or say things that may enable you to learn about yourself, along with a drive within you that makes you want to improve things, will equal success. Whether it improves your own self-belief, self-esteem or confidence will mainly depend on how much of the real issues you discuss. 

This time around, therapy is different in the sense that I am not learning skills I didn’t have; it is more about re-connecting with my current skill set. Of course I am, and may continue to learn new skills too, in the process; which is a bonus.

The quote below is one of my favourites, and by one of my all-time favourite writers; Erin Hanson. Don’t be afraid of falling. Just go with the flow. Take risks and believe in yourself. You have what you need, inside. You just need to access it ❤ something that my counsellor has recently reminded me of. She’s spot on! 

How should counselling feel? Mumbo-jumbo, questions and.. shit! 

Those who know me will know I am always open and honest in my writing and I don’t hold back; especially when it comes to mental health.

Towards the beginning of this year I decided to re-enter into ‘therapy’ after my GP suggested it could help me to come to terms with my deteriorating fatigue and pain. I self-referred, as per my GP’s advice, to the primary care service. Within a week of referring myself I had a telephone consultation with somebody, so I could explain what had been happening. This enables the service to then signpost or offer further support. I discussed my inability to come to terms with the fact that I cannot do what people of my age can do; as a result of physical and/or mental health problems. I cannot work, because every single day is different. I do not know how bad or good I may feel. I struggle to wake up to an alarm; no matter how early or late it may be. Some days I struggle to simply wake up and it can take me the whole day to ‘come to’. Those days, I rely heavily on Bex helping me out (I’d be lost without her). I struggle to concentrate for long periods of time. Sometimes I cannot concentrate on anything. I have slowly gone from being somebody who is super organised, to somebody who relies again, heavily on Bex to help me remember appointments. Sometimes, if not all the time, Bex will have to remind me of my plans for the day, several times. Only yesterday she had to remind me of something over and over again. And still, I need a reminder within 1 hour of that appointment because my memory just struggles so much to retain information. 

Anyway, back to this telephone assessment. After about half an hour it was agreed that I could benefit from some counselling. Initially, as with most places, I could have 6 sessions with the potential for a further 6 if needed. I was happy for my name to be put on the waiting list. Then she informed me that the wait was 6 months at the very least. Great. I actually genuinely understand that resources are stretched and I am not saying people should be seen ‘immediately’. However; my GP suggested counselling because I am struggling now, not in 6+ months. 

I knew at that point that I was going to have to look for something. After a bit of research, I found somebody that offered online counselling sessions; ideal for me. It means I can have counselling without having the added stress of physically going anywhere. Plus, it helps me to feel ‘safer’ having some anonymity. The cost of going private means I can’t have weekly sessions; which is the ideal. But, the way I felt at that time meant that every fortnight would still be better than nothing.

After an initial conversation online, with a counsellor, I kind of knew she was the right one. And I have to say; this is THE best therapy so far (and I have had a lot in my time). After a session yesterday, I got thinking about the process. I wonder why it works so well this time? What is different this time? How had it become that I felt great after each session? Was it to do with the counsellor, or was it to do with me? And is this how it feels when it really works? Is this what counselling should look like? And if so, why had it never looked like this before?

So many questions running around a tired, tiny brain. I have some potential ideas in response to those questions, which I will happily share with you in my next post. So watch this space 👍

Annnnnnnnd relax 😊❤

Speaking of mental health… who’s responsibility is it to reduce stigma?

So it’s mental health awareness week and I’ve noticed the topic in the news quite a bit so far. Since footballer Aaron Lennon was detained under the Mental Health Act, mental health is a hot topic amongst the football, and sporting world. Prince Harry also recently spoke about his own mental health and the fact that he has had counselling; which has got more and more people opening up. Great, right?

To an extent, yes. The more people talk, the less people fear. But, we are already hearing stories of people who have been let down by services. Young people are waiting up to 9 months in some places to receive some form of input from mental health services. Surely, we can expect numbers to rise as more people discuss mental health? Waiting lists getting longer. Work loads getting bigger. Any extra funding to go with that?

I would like you to imagine, for a moment, that you are in the middle of a ‘crisis’. Of course, everyone’s version of a ‘crisis’ will be very different from one anothers, so, let’s say for example, you’ve dialled 999 to report a fire and request fire engines. They arrive; that may be within seconds or minutes, and they quickly assess the situation. It’s clear the fire is spreading and fast becoming out of control. However, fire fighters can’t tackle the blaze; they have a backlog of other ongoing fires that require their attention. They might be able to dampen the scene, but they must get on and will be back when this fire gets to the top of the list.  

Obviously, in mental health, it might ‘look’ slightly different, but there are so many people on waiting lists for therapy. Some of these people might be self-harming on a regular basis. Some may have admitted they’ve been having thoughts of suicide because they feel so down, lost, out of control, empty, numb, a failure; the list goes on. Imagine opening up to somebody for the first time about your deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings, and then being told you have to wait months to see another person, where you are made to open it all up again. In fact, as it is now, you might open up to your GP as a starting point. Hard enough, and then they refer you for “help”. You might wait for a phonecall or appointment; which may take a week or more. You get your appointment through, psych yourself up for it and open up to the person who does your assessment. After that? You wait. And you wait. And you wonder why they’re not contacting you. Did they forget about you? Do they not think your feelings are ‘bad enough’ to receive their help? Are you even worthy of their support?

Talking is great, and it’s fab that so many high-profile people are opening up. But to me, it’s easy enough to talk about it when you’re not in it. When you’re actually going through that turmoil, usually your confidence and self-esteem are at an all time low. The last thing you feel like doing is baring your heart and soul to everyone, because “it is ok” to talk. 

Don’t get me wrong, it really is ok to talk; to the right person(s) at an appropriate time and in an appropriate place. It’s great to talk to somebody who has been through it and come out the other side; but not always. Sometimes I have spoken to people who have come through the other side, and rather than feeling positive for the future, I have felt even more hopeless. In that moment, I was nothing; a nobody, compared to this strong person I was speaking to. I was never going to be able to get to a position where my illness was under control or stable. 

Yes, speak about it if you want to. And don’t if you don’t. You are in control of how much you share and with whom. 

The way forward; is for each and every individual to look at themselves and how they respond to mental health. For each of us to take responsibility for our own judgements. For us to question our own behaviours and attitudes, and to be open to feedback and change.

If you cannot be sure you have all the facts of a situation, you are not in a position to judge another person or their situations. Remember, that we all make judgements whether we like to admit it or not. So learn yours and challenge them. We all have a mental health, like a physical health. And all of our mental health’s vary throughout our lives. That is why we all have a responsibility to improve how this country responds. 

Because one day, it might be you that needs a supportive response. And how people respond to you could potentially affect whether you live or die. 

“My body my story” campaign by Loose Women: would you dare to bare? #MyBodyMyStory

I am sat watching Loose Women and have realised how brave everybody is by daring to bare and show off their body.

I realised how I have never allowed myself to acknowledge my own insecurities about my body image. I have always denied myself compassion because I told myself I have never been bullied: therefore I had no right to say I have body image issues. I also downplay my issues by telling myself that everybody dislikes something about their body. And that is true to an extent, however it isn’t “normal” to dislike most of your body and it certainly isn’t right when it affects your day to day life. 

As most of you know, I have self-harmed in the past to deal with very difficult and overwhelming emotions. I now wear those scars on my body and have to accept that they are there whether I like them or not. These are the main reason I have a very negative image of myself and my body. However I am also very unhappy with my weight at the moment and dealing with weight gain that has sprung from nowhere really. Part of the weight gain is down to an increase in painkillers and mental health medication. 

So where I’m going with this basically is; the thought of taking a picture of myself in a bikini and sharing that on social media for all to see fills me with panic and shame. And I never realised my body image issues were so big. Which means that now I can start looking at that and working through it. And I am going to aim to get out a bikini and get some snaps that might be acceptable enough to share. 

So to everyone with scars, big thights, cellulite, post baby belly’s, skin problems or whatever else who have so far shared their body picture with the world; hats off to you. That is not an easy thing and I salute every single one of you. 

Join the body stories campign and dare to bare using the hashtag #MyBodyMyStory

Love to you all. Remember you are beautiful no matter what you think! ❤