I haven’t been here for a while.. as you may have noticed. I think I’ve had a bit of a block though not sure why just yet. I have thought about writing a blog post but for some reason could never bring myself to open my wordpress and get blogging.
Anyway, what matters is that I made it back eventually and I’m here to try and make sense of what is going on for me right now. And as per, you can share my exploration and if it helps you in some way then excellent.
A busy week last week has caught up with me and I am feeling the strain both physically and emotionally. Fatigue seemed to flare bad on Saturday; I felt dreadful. But I knew I need to go out at some point otherwise the dogs would have had no tea. So, I fling on some clothes and head out to venture to Pets at home which is a 5 minute drive. I got to the end of my road and knew I wasn’t going to make it there so turned left and headed towards Sainburys just up the road. The plan was then to get myself some food; chippy of maccies. I got back in the car and ventured all the way… home. I had no strength to get to the chippy or macdonlds. I was feeling weak, off colour. Once home, I realised I’d forgotten to get 2 of the 3 things I’d wanted to get at Sainburys. And right there in that moment of realisation came… “you thick bitch”. Yes.. I am hard on myself. It is so difficult not to feel so much anger when you do shit like this. How do I, at 30 years of age, accept the limitations and restrictions my fatigue and pain cause?
Well I had nothing left in me. I fed the dogs and moped for the rest of the day.
I am still not feeling well. In fact, right now I feel dreadfully weak but I am not sleepy and cannot settle my racing thoughts.
When I am in flares like this one it inevitably affects my emotional and spiritual self and I know that at the moment, the depression is looming closer than I’d like.
Today, a friend of ours will be laid to rest. And I am sad to have made the decision not to go to his funeral. I don’t have the strength in me to go. My body is doing everything in it’s power to tell me to rest. And until now, I have ignored it. But I know that Andy will understand as he too struggled with fatigue and he described me when he spoke of himself. He will completely know what I am going through. Yet I still feel like I am letting people down. This is a heavy burden on me at the moment. I could feel absolutely fine one moment and can suddenly be exhausted beyond belief within minutes. This makes it difficult to then make plans with people. I might feel up to doing something bug any moment leading up to it the fatigue could smack me right in the face.
I do worry that people see me as unreliable; and therefore try not to make too many plans. I have to live life each day as it comes and that is one hell of a challenge. There is a lot of conflict within me and it’s very uncomfortable to hold inside.
I fear that I may be going on a downer… but I also know somewhere inside me, that I can and will get through it. So there is hope. But right now it feels nasty and I know what I need to do. I need a little break from the world. I need some me time. I need to re-build my physical strength by first resting and recovering from whatever this bloody flare has in store. So, please don’t be offended if I haven’t been in touch with you. To all my friends out there; you may not have heard from me in a while but I still think of you and wonder how you are. You know who you are and I love you ❤
Anyway.. I’m out. Who knows? Maybe I’ll sleep sometime soon before my head explodes (mi-fucking-graine). Bastard!
Feel free to send some healing hugs my way. Positive vibes only… I’m in charge of the negative shit for now 😉👍❤
Love to all ❤